


if only we could solve this with sorry

by tyrosretell



Series: a perfectly rational adjustment [1]
Category: Full Metal Panic
Genre: Angst, Darkest Timeline, F/M, Grief/Mourning, Insanity, Madness, Tragedy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-22
Updated: 2019-06-22
Packaged: 2020-05-16 15:56:40
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,180
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19321381
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tyrosretell/pseuds/tyrosretell
Summary: He loses her and somehow lives with this (his) failure for 12 more years.ORGauron never lied to Sousuke in Hong Kong.





	if only we could solve this with sorry

Sousuke Sagara is and will always be a soldier. One day, he is assigned to protect a kind-hearted, blue-haired girl with great potential. From her smile, he learns what happiness is.

* * *

 

At age 15, from Kaname Chidori, Sousuke Sagara learns what peace is.

   (She is his Angel.) 

At age 16, Sousuke loses Kaname. Gauron tells him she died defiantly but painfully, tortured and bloodied and mangled and—

   (Oh God, why. Why her. She was supposed to be safe. He has failed failed failed—)

   Sousuke Sagara is a soldier. He has fought in war as a child. He has faced many battles. He has seen countless deaths. Kaname Chidori is only one more addition to the gloomy album of people he has lost. He is fine. He will move on.

   (He wants to kill everyone and destroy everything that caused her death.)

At age 17, Sousuke Sagara is approached by Leonard Testarossa. He is told that Kaname is alive, that she is in a coma, that she will likely not awaken. He is told Mithril put her there, and one would think this is a lie but it is not. Mithril takes advantage of the Whispered just as much as Amalgam. He is recruited into Amalgam because they believe he is emotional, that he blames Mithril, that he will do anything to get revenge.

   (They are not completely wrong, but his main reason for joining is because they are the ones controlling her life support.)

At age 20, Sousuke Sagara is infamous among all Mithril and Amalgam. His missions never fail. He is brutally efficient. All who meet him would swear up and down the boy—no,  _ man _ —was a machine, a killing machine with no soul or conscience—just a prime directive to meet its objectives. There are rumors of his attachment to a blue-haired doll, possibly a woman without a soul. There are rumors of Sagara Sousuke wearing an expression of despondent joy when he interacts with the doll, as if he were pretending to himself that it made him happy because nothing else ever would.

   (It’s a room far, far into Amalgam’s compounds, they say. They kept the woman—or doll, really—alive at first for her brilliant mind, but once it was clear that was no longer brilliant or even there, they kept her alive because of Sousuke Sagara. Because of what he was capable of if she were to die.)

At age 21, Sousuke is treated to the beautiful sight of Kaname opening her eyes. He has visited her as often as he could, almost every day. His hopes, his happiness, and his peace all inflate in that moment only to come crashing down when he realizes that Kaname’s eyes are lifeless, dead, like that of a broken soldier. He tries speaking to her, holding her hand, brushing her hair—but she does not speak, she does not move, she does not  _ react at all _ , she does not  _ yell at him, beat him up like she’s supposed to _ ,  _ like they always do _ —

   (He almost wishes she had died. Perhaps a death is worth more than her empty life. But he would not have survived her death.)

   Later that same year, Sousuke Sagara walks into Kaname Chidori’s room on a typical visit. He was there to speak to her, though he knew he would never speak with her.

   Leonard Testarossa is there. And Kaname… Kaname, for the first time in five years, expresses emotion. There is pure, unadulterated  _ fear _ in her eyes. She still does not move, frozen like a weeping statue, but Leonard Testarossa has prompted her to react when Sousuke has tried desperately to for months and  _ months _ —and she looks terrified. Of Leonard Testarossa.

   (Leonard is utterly speechless. He wanted to visit the Whispered girl he once loved after being told of her awakening and physical recovery, but he did not know she would react this way. The air turns a cold that is frigid and painfully sharp, but it is not because of Kaname.

   From behind him, Sousuke Sagara stands.

   Leonard makes the mistake of turning to meet his eyes, and for the first time in a very long time, he feels fear.)

At age 22, Sousuke Sagara replaces Leonard Testarossa for a leading position in Amalgam. The latter had died of strange circumstances, obviously unnatural but all-too-common in their world for anyone to question or care about it. During Sousuke’s visits to Kaname, now occurring frequently every day, he strokes her hair and tells her she has nothing to fear anymore.

   (So would she please, please,  _ please _ look at him with eyes full of life again—)

At age 25, Sousuke Sagara becomes the leader of Amalgam. He has employed countless Whispered—with or without their consent—and utilized even more Black Technologies. He continues to expand Amalgam’s territories of control in the hopes of finding a treatment for Kaname. He now has the power to destroy entire countries with a single command, but he cannot cure the damage dealt to one’s mind.

   (He won’t give up. Even if he ends up destroying the entire goddamned world—he will not give up on her.)

At age 26, a decade after he first lost her, Sousuke Sagara finally finds a Whispered with the knowledge of a Black Technology useful to him— artificial intelligence advanced enough to store the human consciousness. He thinks that if he cannot physically treat her mind, he could possibly do so digitally. 

_    (But Sir, would that really be her? You’re talking about converting the entirety of a human mind—hell, a human  _ soul _ —into codes of a program,  _ one recruit assigned to the project asks. The recruit is promptly shot in the forehead. Sousuke Sagara turns to the others, gun still smoking in his hand, waiting for anyone else to object. No one does.)

At age 27, Sousuke Sagara takes the risk to fully transfer Kaname’s consciousness to the system. It is against his advisors’ warnings.

   It doesn’t work, and Kaname Chidori’s body finally dies.

   (Everyone has fled the room. He doesn’t understand why. He doesn’t feel angry at all. He hasn’t felt anything in a long time. 

   Her head is on his lap. He runs a hand through her hair softly. From the moment he failed her, this was always going to be their ending.)

At age 28, Sousuke Sagara personally invades one of Mithril’s bases. He is never seen again.

   Some stories suggest he was shot down by Teletha Testarossa herself. Other stories suggest that either Melissa Mao or Kurz Weber, both rumored to have worked with Sousuke before he had switched sides, were involved. None of the stories have been confirmed. Sousuke Sagara becomes legend among members of both Mithril and Amalgam.

* * *

 

Sousuke Sagara is and will always be a soldier. One day, he gains the hope that maybe he could be something more. In another world, maybe he does. But not in this one.

(Before his vision fades, he thinks he sees curls bluer than the sea and eyes warmer than melting chocolate, and he smiles.)


End file.
